Life is full of surprises. Some are welcomed and fun and others feel like you can't breathe. I am having one of those gut punch surprises.
Mike and I are divorced.
I never thought I would kneel across an alter to have it end in divorce after 15 years.
I never thought one could have so much joy and happiness and then so much pain and emptiness. I know everyone has trials and tribulations, but when you are going thru a particularly tough one, it seems like you are the only one.
I went to Deseret Book on Friday and 2 books just jumped off the shelf at me. I wasn't looking for books to buy, I had one thing I needed to get and I had it. I was standing in the checkout line and turned to the shelf behind me and these 2 books beckoned me to take them home. I bought them.
I read them both yesterday.
I cried.
I laughed.
I pondered.
I could feel a tiny bit of healing taking place.
I knew that these books were written for ME for THIS time. The authors don't know it, but they were inspired to write those words for a little Idaho girl that needed it NOW.
I am grateful for those tender mercies that my Heavenly Father sends me to let me know I am not alone in these TNT moments (trials and tribulations) and He is fully aware of me. I know that everyone has trials. I know that everyone struggles. But, only I can choose how I deal with it. No one can force me to be bitter and angry but me. No one can force me to smile and move forward but me. I CHOOSE how I will react to my circumstances.
I don't understand why things happen. I don't like having to deal with the consequences of others agency. I don't want to be a single mother. I don't want to have to make some choices by myself. I don't want to be alone. There are many things I didn't ask for or want...but are there now. What do I choose? I choose to take a step forward....no matter how tiny that step is. It is scary. It is nervewracking. I feel like I am stepping into the unknown, and in a way I am. I choose to paste a smile on myself even when it really isn't there inside. I choose to try to serve more. Why? Because I don't have the energy to be angry and negative and bitter. I don't like how I feel when I get into that mode. It is exhausting. It is damaging. I'm not going to do it.
I have been down the road of feeling sorry for all my trials the last 4 years. I have done the whole "why do all these things happen to me? When am I gonna catch a break? Why has it been soooo hard since I found out I was having twins?" I stopped asking why me and how come, and I was able to feel the sweet confirmation of "why not me? I only give you trials to make you better. I know what you are going thru...I have walked that path. I am here. You are not alone."
So...I am trying to be grateful for these times. I know I am being molded. I am finding abilities and strengths I didn't know existed in me. I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, because what other choice do I have? I am leaving the past in the past and correcting mistakes and seeing what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. I am in His hands. He knows me. He loves me. He wants me to be happy. Sometimes things have to happen that seem soooo terrible now...so He can give you those blessings and happiness later that you wouldn't have recevied otherwise.
Deep breath.
Yes, that is what I am doing now. I'm scared to death. I may stumble some days. I may cry some more. But I know my path is forward. One step forward. That is al I can do today. And I'm grateful to have feet that can take those steps. :)
